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What to put in your bug-out bag if Trump is elected.

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A bug-out bag is a backpack filled with the equipment you need to survive apocalyptic scenarios such as a total collapse of the economy or catastrophic superstorms. Typical items include emergency food and water, first-aid kit, camping gear, knives, and weapons. If you’ve seen Doomsday Preppers, you’re probably familiar with the debate about what to leave in and what to leave out.

A Donald Trump presidency is a special type of doomsday scenario. And one that may be only months away. As such, I’ve compiled a list of the items that you’ll need to survive:

  1. Your original, long-form birth certificate. Trump plans to make deporting undocumented immigrants one of his first acts as president. He’s also a stickler about that documentation. If you wish to stay in this country, you need to be prepared when someone asks to see your papers.
  2. A copy of “The Art of the Deal”.This is Trump’s second favorite book — second only to The Holy Bible. Prove your loyalty to the Dear Leader by carrying a copy at all times.
  3. Whole Milk. As the police state intensifies, there’s an increasing chance you may get caught in the crossfire of some pepper spray. The active ingredient, capsaicin, doesn’t wash away with water. Keep some whole milk on hand to relieve the burning pain.
  4. Padded bras. In the New Trump Order, a woman’s worth is entirely defined by her beauty. And it’s very hard for a flat-chested person to be a 10. Augment the appearance of your breasts if you don’t want to fall to the bottom rung of society.
  5. Aluminum foil. In an unprecedented move from a presidential candidate, Trump urged Russian intelligence to break into the email accounts of his opponent. As president, he is unlikely to lead a government that will protect you from foreign cyber criminals. Aluminum foil can both serve as a makeshift Faraday cage for your wireless electronics and prove useful for some campfire cooking.
  6. White sheets. Trump has been informally endorsed by former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, David Duke. His father attended Klan protests in the 1920′s. Papa Trump also allegedly made racial discrimination a standard practice in his properties throughout the 50′s, 60′s, 70′s and 80′s. If we are facing a revival of the Klan, you may need to blend in. Keep some white sheets on hand so you can whip up a Klan robe in a jiffy. You could also sleep on them at night — if you can manage to sleep.